We live in a marriage obsessed culture! It seems that in any good relationship, marriage is the barometer of true success. You’ve been with your fella for a few years and watch the inquires start to pour in, “Soooooo, when are you two getting hitched?” What is this, the Spanish Inquisition? It seems that any woman who isn’t fawning over a white dress or a deep desire to walk down isle is some sort of anomaly.
Classic case in point: Oprah Winfrey. The mega mogul has been in a “successful” (I added quotes cause I don’t really know her business like that) relationship for 26 years with her boyfriend Stedman Graham. Steadman has been a constant staple in Oprah’s life and career and over the course of their relationship, their marital status (or lackof) has been the subject of much debate.
People have accussed Oprah of being selfish, frigid, putting her career before marriage and that Stedman should have moved on a long time ago. At a recent talk in India, Oprah put it plainly stating that she has never been the “marrying kind” and that if she and Stedman were to have married they would have been divorced ages ago.
“I think that had we gotten married we probably would have been divorced by now. And he would agree. I really am my own woman and I don’t really conform very well to other people ideas about who and what I should be and being married calls for some conformity.” ~ Oprah
As a proponent of do what you want, I have to wonder what is the big deal with Oprah’s unmarried status is. And why does a woman who never decides to marry scare the beejeebus out of us? Oprah has it all, a widely astronomical career, millions of dollars, the love and adoration of millions and a man, yet we continue to fixate on why she never let Stedman put a ring on it.
According to Pew Research Center, marriage is on a stiff decline with less than half of Americans being married. Am I the only one unfazed by this statistic? With more and more women not walking down the isle in favor of not settling, long-term partnerships and singlehood, why is marriage still perceived as the end all be all?
As an unmarried woman I can honestly say that the prospect that I may never marry or met a person I want to marry, doesn’t send me into convulsions. Clearly, Oprah decided early on that marriage was not for her. Shouldn’t we applaud her discernment or right to choose her lifestyle.
With the decline of marriage, it seems that more women are identifying with not being “the marrying kind” as well.
What are your thoughts?
Surprisingly, I’ve been thinking a lot about public displays of marriage and their success (or lack of), and I can’t help but wonder if people can only be “married” to one thing– and in Oprah’s case, it’s her career first. We condemn celebrities for their quick marriages of only a few years, but with the amount of energy and time that goes in to their careers, it’s silly to think they’d have the time to put in to a marriage to a person–they’re already married to their jobs! I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all, but it’s a different choice.
Ultimately, if you can find someone who can work with your hectic schedule, independence, not being around, and is okay with not having a formal marriage– who cares? It’s amazing that Oprah has been in a relationship that lasted so long, and I’m sure not having the strain and stress of “this is my husband” on top of her career is what helped make it last. Shouldn’t the love, support, and trust between them be all that matters?
As for myself– I think I am the marrying kind, but I think it also has to do with being defiant against my parent’s divorce and being able to say to myself, “This happened to them. That may not happen to me or it may, but it can happen differently.” And so I’m willing to give it a shot. (Plus I REALLY want an excuse to buy Manolos
Thing is this…Oprah and Stedman are pretty much married they just don’t have the license that states it, which in our society means you get certain benefits of being married. They love each other deeply, and they have been together for a long time.
I remember seeing an episode where she said she does all that work and then she goes home and she cooks dinner for him, and they spend time together. These days Marriage to some is just a piece of paper for those who aren’t super religious. Marriage at least it’s always been my thought is that it has a religious history. You get hitched, you have kids, and most of the time churches pushed this, even tribes who never step foot in a church still believed in something, and in that relgion marriage was still pushed. If it’s not broke don’t fix it is what i say to Oprahs situation.
I don’t understand why anybody would need to worry about why she isn’t getting hitched, if they both just want to keep it as that, then let them. This isn’t going to make me think twice about marriage either way, and like you I have never met someone that I think it worthy of marriage. Trust me you’re not the only one unfazed. I’m not surprised there are so many alternatives to getting married, not to say that i want that, but if i don’t ever find someone, at least i know i can suport myself, maybe have a kid, and do my thing on my own.
For most of my adult life, marriage looked like “just a piece of paper” to me. I felt no urge to tie the knot, and was not interested in having a wedding ceremony of any kind. I just didn’t see the point.
Fast forward twelve years into a relationship, and it gets pretty weird referring to your partner as your “boyfriend”, and when you’re thinking about having kids, well, let’s say my opinion shifted. We got married at the courthouse and started a family. It’s been six years.
And I don’t regret the decision one bit. Even though we’d been together for so long, being newly married gave us a new identity, a renewed sense of purpose as a couple, and a heckuva lot more legal security in our relationship (and I’m not talking divorce, I’m talking about simple things, like wills, home ownership, operating within the legal system as a team).
So, the long and short for me is: been there, done that, changed my mind, life is good.
As a married woman I can say that marriage isn’t for everyone. My husband and I were together for five years before we got married and it will be two years this April. Despite the fact that were were together so long before we got married (and lived a year together before getting married) it was a total mind shift when we got married. Your priorities change, you way of thinking changes, and how you view life period changes. Some people can adapt to that change, some people struggle to adapt and because of their strong relationship and communication they are able to work through it, and others can’t deal with all of that change and eventually divorce. Marriage is constantly a work in progress and both people have to want it and want to make it work. I can’t say being married is just a piece of paper because it really isn’t to me. You truly are a unit, a partnership both spiritually and legally.
In the end, it’s all about what you and your man really want. That’s why I cannot knock Oprah and Stedman. As a matter of fact, getting married because society says so is a very bad reason to do so and yes, they probably wouldn’t make it because they both don’t want to Now for those that really want it, they have to understand that it’s a serious commitment and shouldn’t be taken lightly.
I was never “the marrying kind.” I’ve been telling my family that I wouldn’t get married since I was eight. But here I am, 22 and engaged. This is what changed: I thought marriage was about a piece of paper, or about “starting a family,” as in having children. But really, you start a new family the moment you say”I do.” That piece of paper says that you’ve chosen this person to be your nearest and dearest. Your closest of kin. Whether or not you have children, you’ve started your own family. My fiance and I, we are definitely family, and I want that party to let everyone in my life know it.
But. Just as you don’t love everyone in your family, not everyone you love is fit to be family. Oprah, as she said, is a very independent woman. She doesn’t need Stedman to be family, she just wants to love him and be loved by him. And that’s totally fine.
I definitely agree with you. I’ve always been the kind of person who didn’t care if she got married or not. And this seems to confuse the heck out of so many people.
If I said I didn’t want to have kids, there are people who’ll understand. If I say that I don’t want to give up my career for the sake of family or, conversely, I want to be a stay-home mom, there’s a group in our society who’ll understand and support me.
But if I say “M’eh” to marriage, and that I don’t daydream about walking down the aisle with Mr. Right, folks just scratch their heads. A woman who’s not looking to put a ring on it? What’s wrong with her?
Personally, I’d love to meet someone who’ll sweep me off my feet, but other than my mother’s disapproval, I couldn’t care less if that person and I walked down the aisle. I figure I just feel lucky meeting someone whom I want to spend my life with until we decide to part ways. We came together to create something beautiful and then we moved on.
Sometimes I wonder would there be less divorce in our society if women didn’t feel pressure to marry someone for the sake of society’s approval?
I am married and am fast approaching my 2 year anniversary. Although I love being married, I realize that not all women want nor will get married. And in this society we have to accept that fact and let them be. I applaud Oprah for knowing what she wants and continuing to hold on to what she wants despite society’s disapproval. I hope more women step into the roles they want regardless of what their families/friends/media have to say. We may all be happier in the end and like someone just said; there may even be less divorces…Thanks for this article!
I don’t feel like I’m exactly the “marrying kind”. I’ve been single for quite some time and haven’t ever really been in a serious relationship so I guess I can’t really imagine myself being married. If I do get married, I want it to be because I wanted to get married and I met someone who wanted to be married to me, not just because it’s the thing to do. I’m not going to walk around thinking I’ve “failed” at life because I’m not married.
You definitely struck a nerve with this one Fajr! For the longest time, I too thought that marriage was crossing the finish line of sorts. Like I had wasted my time in my current relationship of a handful of years if we never get married. But now, I’m really not phased. I am trying to marry my career at this point, and I’m just happy to have a supportive man who I enjoy spending time with by my side while I reach my personal goals. You know, living in the moment. I’ve expressed this to a few of my friends and they are just not having it. In their eyes either I’m settling because he wont put a ring on it, or lying about the fact that marriage is not my top priority right now. I think it’s pretty sad that women can not honestly feel this way without the doubtful stares and opinions of other women.
I think honestly it’s a product of the times we lived in. I feel the same way…I don’t know if it’s because most of the families I grew up around (including my own) were single parent households. Or if it’s because the best women I know and the one’s I’ve always looked up to are single or have gotten married later in life.
I’ve never dreamed of walking down an aisle or making this a priority and I completely know couples who are happy as they are and for me there’s no reason not to respect and appreciate their relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now and we are happy and that is all. I hate when people ask me about marriage, I think it’s 1) maaaad rude! 2) such a personal question and 3) a huge assumption. I mean at work I told a coworker I got an iphone from my bf for Christmas and they said, “well, that’s nice, but not better than a ring” and i was like, “bahhhh, maybe to some girls!!!” And then in my mind I punched them in the face. Don’t get me wrong I think marriage is a beautiful thing, I totally cry at every wedding, But I think marriage should come out of a place of love and not out of ambition to be married.
I am the marrying kind. I have traditional values and I am one of the last romantic girls in the world… And there’s something that disturbs me a little bit in that article. It seems like only women who are “not the marrying kind” are independant and empowered and “their own piece of women”, to quote Oprah. It sounds like you can’t be a strong, empowered women if you are someone’s wife. The thing is, I don’t feel like I am giving up to a social pressure by wanting to get married. I believe in marriage, in the fact of chosing someone for the rest of my life and being bound to him legally, materially and religiously but I don’t feel less “one of a kind”. I always made my own choices, I never cared about what society expected me to do. Marriage is indeed one of the big social rites of passage, but to me it’s mostly about love, about a person. I agree that you don’t have to get married to love someone and live happily with them (just like Oprah) but don’t fall to far on the other side and start thinking that women are weak for still wanting a ring. I think it’s all about the man, I don’t want to get married just to get married, but I most certainly want to live the rest of my life with the one man who’ll let me be one of a kind.
I totally understand where you’re coming from. We can be strong women regardless of marital status..married women are strong as are non married women. Some married women who want a ring are weak, others who want a ring are strong. It’s never black and white. I do believe that society has tried to brainwash us (and they’ve succeeded with some women) to believe that we are nothing without a marriage license and army of kids..which I don’t agree with. I think we need to adhere more strongly to the live-and-let-live model but that seems really hard for any society…why do we nitpick other people’s actions so much when they have nothing to do with our own?
That brings up another interesting point.. I have to point out the privilege of even being able to choose to marry or not. It’s an option I don’t have unless I move out of state because my fiance’s a chick. I don’t mind moving personally because I’m not really feelin’ California and it’s “liberal” stance but for someone else who has family here, a great job, a great community, a great home or two – for them to have to move just to marry their sweetheart of the same gender blows big time. I hope you all celebrate the options you do have.
That is such a strong and true statement! Thank you for bringing levity and a different perspective to the conversation. As straight people we definitely take the fact that we can choose marriage for granted! And it’s still extremely unfortunate that all people aren’t privy to this choice, whether it is something that want or not.
I think there is a lot being missed here. Marriage is a financial contract between your partner and the State. Oprah is smart because if she gets married and is divorced how much do you think she would lose? Now she could live with someone and commit to someone if she wants without marrying the State. I don’t see why people are so enamored to sign a financial contract to the State in which they are subject to arbitrary rulings especially in divorces.
@ Marie
What is romantic about signing a contract with the State binding you to a partner. A romantic would make a commitment to a partner without the need of an unromantic contract. Last time I checked you don’t need a license to love someone for the rest of your life.