Contrary to what you may think, I am quite the people pleaser. In my heart I just want to help everyone and I rarely turn down a request from a friend, coworker or associate. I have some weird Superwoman complex and am always trying to make everyone happy. While this is great, for all its karmic benefit, it’s not always so great for my psyche and creative energy.
As women we want to be all things to all people; great friends, great mothers, great employees, great girlfriends and wives. However, we often fail to be great to the person who needs it the most; ourselves. Lately, I’ve been evaluating what and to whom I give my time. While I find saying “no” one of the hardest things to do, I am realizing that sometimes saying no (and sticking to it) is the best thing for our mental clarity, self-love and happiness.
Now before you rush out and shout “NO” from the mountain-tops, here are some questions to ask to decide what deserves a Yes and what requires a No.
Evaluate the Request
Consider the Source
Is this a person who has your best interest at heart or do they only hit you up when they need something? Are they a true friend or a friend of convenience? Does this person support you and is the relationship one of reciprocity? If a fair-weather friend only hits you up to get one-sided advice, then you may want to limit the advice you give, but if a tried and true friend needs your help you should feel no hesitation.
Listen to your Heart
In every decision, your heart is your true compass. What is your heart saying? Is it genuinely telling to lend a helping hand or blaring a warning sign to proceed with caution? If you feel like saying yes will compromise some part of you, then don’t do it.
Say No, Politely of Course
Saying no doesn’t have to be done in a brash way. You can politely say “No, I don’t have time to help you, but I may know someone else who can” or “While I would love to attend your xyz, I simply can’t.” If the person is a true friend they will understand.
Deal with the Consequences
If you looking out for yourself and your time makes someone feel slighted, then so be it. Stand firm in your choices and let the chips fall where they may.
While this isn’t a totem to say no more, it is a testament to taking back our power and evaluating what we give our energy to. There are so many things pulling us in so many directions. By evaluating things from a place of “Can I truly contribute?” or “Do I truly have time?” you can clearly decide what truly feeds your soul and give with an open heart.
Ah I am so showing this to my best friend! We are both bad at saying no but she is the worst person ever at it, even to vile people!
Love this piece.
Florrie x
This is totally me! Well was, lately I have basically said to myself why do i bust my tail to please everybody. I can’t even tell you how far I have gone to help friends. I never expected anything in return but at the end of the day when i needed them they where nowhere to be found, came up with endless excuses. So i said why do I take better care of them then i do myself. It got so bad that I was stressing over peoples issues more then they were. Girl this is great advice to someone who is blind to the fact and needs help realizing it.
Amen! I struggle with learning how to say no because I always want to be helpful all the time but, like you said, taking on too much will only hurt me in the end. So many times I’ve had to take a step back and evaluate the situation and who is doing the asking. If I do have to say no, I recognize the guilt that I tend to feel but do my best to move on.
I say “No” all the time.:) I don’t like suffering in silence,wishing I said”no”.
I feel like if you are my real friend then you would understand if I can’t do something,or don’t feel like doing something. I don’t really ask anything of anyone,I am a do it myselfer..lol
Oh boy, I’m sending this to at least 4 ladies including myself. I really like you walked us through an approach and while I’ve started saying no way more than I used to I still struggle when I do, saying to myself “I should” “I feel bad” when there’s really nothing to feel bad about. I think it’s that whole thing of being kinder to ourselves and also putting ourselves first.
LOVE YA!
This has been one of my greatest lessons this year! Saying no is so hard to do, but the more I say no, the easier it becomes, and the less stressed I’ve been feeling. The hardest thing is realizing that saying no doesn’t make you a bad person or friend, but it does make you better to yourself!
[...] it’s constant learning so I really would like to thank Fajr for writing such a thoughtful approach on how and when to say [...]
What a great post, Fajr. I noticed a lot of woman have trouble saying no, even if its to their detriment. I want to share this with some of my friends because you have good guidelines for how and when to say it.
I’m pretty good at no’s. I have a thick set of boundaries and long ago discovered that I can’t be all things to all people. So I have to say no up front, so I don’t fail them in the end. I’m working on saying yes, as in to opportunity, and possibility, but that’s a whole other topic isn’t it?
Mad love at you, lovely. -Bella Q
Thanks for this post because I’m with you 100%. I like to say “yes” because I genuinely enjoy helping people, but sometimes it can become overwhelming. That’s why I did a post about marrying myself!!! Enjoy your day.
Your advice is spot on and I will definitely keep it it mind. Saying no (without guilt) is something I am still working on.