“I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.”- Carrie Bradshaw
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It’s that nagging voice inside of you. The one that quietly pokes at you throughout the day. “Who do you think you are?“ “You’re not decent” “You could never own your own …” We all have her; the she-devil that sits on our shoulder spewing at us all the bad things that we are fighting not to believe about ourselves. She is the hater within, harboring self-doubt and breeding negative thoughts. Who needs real life haters, when often times your biggest critic is yourself?
Personally, whenever I have a huge project, presentation or anything major coming up, I go through a cycle of excitement, confidence, hideous self-doubt and eventual picking up my bootstraps; the process wouldn’t be complete without my resistance. And while I don’t believe your inner critic will ever totally disappear, there are ways to keep it at bay from wreaking havoc on your success.
Acknowledge your Fears
When you’re working on a project and your inner voice is screaming “You’re not good enough” what it’s actually saying is “You’re terrified that you may not be good enough”. When we have self doubt and resistance it rarely has much to do with what is true and more to do with what we are afraid may be true. By acknowledging your fears (failing, not being good enough) you can change your thoughts to focus on what is true; that you are more than good enough!
Play a Positivity Mix
I’ve written about using music as a therapeutic release before (Playing Dress Up Mix anyone?!) so I won’t go into details, except to say that music has such a huge impact on our moods and how we feel. When I’m struck with ill feelings or feeling like I’m a leper, I put on songs that say the exact opposite. Eventually your head and heart will catch up with the rhythm.
Get a Personal Harvey
Back when I had cable, I used to love Harvey from Celebrity Fit Club (something about bald, Black men). His sexiness aside, Harvey was a no-nonsense, no excuses coach. While most life coaches would say you need a “Rah Rah” cheer-leading squad, I’m going to say you need an in your face, tell it like it is, kick butt friend. One who will not even entertain your doubtful delusions. My friends are most certainly of the Harvey variety; when I’m blabbering on about life they swiftly kick me in the pants and tell me to keep trucking.
Start Doing What You Think Can’t Be Done
The only way to prove somebody wrong is to get busy proving them wrong. This includes yourself. When nagging thoughts begin to start, shut them down immediately. Instead of focusing on the millions of reasons something can’t be done, pick the one reason it can and focus on that with all your intensity. You’re going to spend energy either way, might as well channel it towards the outcome that will actually achieve your goals.
Final Stylish Thought:
Instead of picking ourselves apart, let’s focus on what we are truly capable of and what we can do to get us one step closer to accomplishing our dreams. Negative thoughts and your nagging she-devil aren’t going to vanish overnight, but with steady manipulation you can put that hating heffa in her place.
My gawsh last month I went to a seminar that had this same exact title!!!! We all get in our own way sometimes so thank you for sharing your tips. I read this quote “You are the shadow standing in your own sunshine” and all I could think was YES!!! I AM! Gawsh. Thanks Fajr.
I LOVE this bit: When you’re working on a project and your inner voice is screaming “You’re not good enough” what it’s actually saying is “You’re terrified that you may not be good enough”. TRUTH.
That is hilarious! We all get in our own way sometimes. I think it’s just recognizing it and stopping our inner hate before it gets out of control.
Thanks for the comment gal!
I love this post!!!! I have def been resting on my laurels and dragging my feet on a project because my hater within has been asking a million questions and filling me with a billion doubts. So on time!! Thanks Fajr.
You’re welcome! Tell that hater to get lost, I know you’ll totally rock the project. Ain’t nothing to it but to do it!
I love this post! My inner hater has been on overdrive lately but it’s good to know I am not alone in fighting this battle. That chic has gots to go!
Lol, yes she is in the way! Little by little we’ll replace her with our Inner Lover!
SUPER post! Such killer tips. I use them all, too…music, my mom, who is my personal Harvey, and never taking no for an answer. In fact, the more people try to sell me their conventional ideas and “You can’t do that” negativity, the harder and higher I buck! I’d rather fail than never try.
[...] http://stylishthought.com/life/advice/the-hater-within-how-to-quiet-your-inner-critic/ [...]
These are all good things to remind yourself to do, for me when I’m in the slums so-to-speak my BFF & family are definitely my positive source of influence. I also constantly listen to music, especially during work/projects. What comes out of our mouths is so important, I try to remember how powerful our tongues are – saying positive affirmations helps.
Madison
Great post! So glad Vahni shared it on fb if not I would have never seen it. I love the “personal” we all have one of those around in times of need…. lol! Music is my mentor, no doubt about that!
HELL YES! If you can’t love yourself right away for whatever reason, just pretend. Fake it till you make it and before you realize it, you’ll have combatted that inner critic!
Ahh yes, I’ve been working on blocking out the hater within. It has deterred me many times from pursuing passions. I’m learning to work through it, but it’s hard. I agree that putting together a positivity mix is a huge must. Get the right playlist and you’ll feel like you can conquer the world.
My inner hater is not easily silenced but I have learned to walk through that fear and make myself do those things my inner hater thinks I should not do. I find that when I do a) the results are a lot better than I expected b) I become even more fearless.
The we do the more we grow! Thank you for your great comment Veronica!
My she-devil is sitting on my shoulder and I really have to find a way shutting her up already since it gets more and more annoying!
Thank you for the advices!
[...] writes a great post about how to quiet your inner critic over at Stylish Thought. We all have moments of feeling like we aren’t good enough, but [...]
Haha, give her a smack the next time she tries to bring you down.
Thanks for the comment!
I adore this mi amour! I think this is true– we don’t fear failure but rather our own strength and successes. I had super-glued myself to the thought that I hate change. Sometimes, in life I’ll want to try simple change (e.g. a new hair style) or complex alterations (e.g. new career). There is always a small voice inside that puts a shotgun to the head of CHANGE. It’s the voice that reminds that you don’t wear white after Labor day; you can’t kiss on the first date; you must complete college in order to be successful; and surely you must not flip the bird to your boss and walk out of that hell-hole they call a job. It’s the voice that is called reason mixed with a smidge of fear and a hit of insecurity. BUT TODAY IS A NEW DAY! Time for a new voice recording–
We must take that voice to the APPLE store and reprogram it to say: “You can do anything!”
[...] as the internal foe or critic who blocks us from doing what we long to do. I’ve written about the inner critic before, yet she seems to continue to rear her ugly head. The resistance continues to nag, have you [...]